The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Don't regret doing things; regret getting caught.
Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example.
Live life or die trying.
Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
When you come to a fork in the road ... Take it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
The question is not if you are paranoid, it is if you are paranoid enough.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do, is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
If you're arguing with an idiot make sure he isn't doing the same thing.
If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick.
If you aren't living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.
Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when people are watching you.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
The best diet in the world is scratching your ass and smelling your fingers.
You can't run from death forever.... but you can make the bastard work for it.